I have learned to be calm. Before this class and before I did a lot of soul searching, I was a very angry, bitter person. I wasn’t always like this, and it took a lot of back stabbing and broken promises to make me like that. I realize now, that anger is a secondary emotion. I was hurt, I was shattered and I didn’t know how to channel this pain. Instead, this would go into things like jealousy, irritation, a sense of insecurity about myself. I spent the majority of 2009 and a lot of 2010 not knowing who I was. I realize instead of facing these pains head on, I would bury them deep into my soul, and when they would break free, I would bury them down even farther. The summer of 2010 helped me realize a lot of who I was, and it brought a lot of acceptance in my life. I had found a new normalcy, and it was something I had needed for a long time. The thing about acceptance, is that I assumed I would forget about my past, and about the pain. I was wrong and for months I was torn up about it. I would go in and out of depression spurts, realizing that maybe since I kept thinking about it, I hadn’t really accepted it. Meditation has taught me the patience to let it go (the emotion, the pain, the grudge, whatever you are feeling), to be at peace. I feel that is the greatest lesson I have been taught in the longest time. I have learned to take a step back when I feel angry, and I realize why I feel angry – what is actually the source. Instead of feeling angry, I now feel the raw emotion. Instead of fighting the pain, I acknowledge it. I do something about it. And I let it go. I realize that it is a part of me. I realize that my past is a part of me. Pain and hurt will always be a part of me, but they do not define me. I have the inner strength to let it go, and to forgive. I think that was a really big reason of why I lost myself, because I couldn’t find the power to forgive myself. Now that I have, I am a very different, more peaceful person. I think meditation is a great mental tool, and I am very thankful I have learned this technique.
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