Finding Me


The Kids Table

The Kids Table

The person I am, the person I used to be has been swallowed by my daily existence; I have been little of myself and mostly who I am is in relation to others. The anxiety, depression, frustration, and anger from this slowly seeping out of me, a poisonous gas leak killing us all. That which I thought showed strength was my biggest weakness.

Slowly the concrete of expectation, devotion, and obligation falls away, and I am seeing more of myself. Meditation has allowed me to not only be the concrete, but see through it, to break it, to breathe.

I had to face some fears and deal with them. I have been a coward and hiding from lots of fears.  Meditation did not allow those fears to continue. Journal writing has allowed me to explore these fears after I was able the name them in meditation.

With meditation I am able to slow down and do one thing at a time. To focus on that one thing and put all of myself into it. I choose to do things that are worth doing one at at time. No more watching TV, while doing homework, and eating dinner with the kids at the same time, all half-assed. I now think, feel, and live each of those things individually.

I have felt pain–wild, extreme pain–caused by not being mindful about the food I eat. I love food, it is one of my favorite things, but I am being more thoughtful of it now.I see what we put in to our bodies, I buy it, touch it, create it, therefore I should savor every bite of our food, and it should benefit me.

My children deserve to have me present, in mind and body. To really notice their growing, their view on life, to really be the shaping influence in their life, to be mindful of the environment around them and the influence it has on them. I should and am feeling more like I love them for the people they are, for their characters, instead of feeling somewhat like I am obligated to love them most simply because I created them. I have begun to understand them more, to love them more deeply, and to show them how to live this life by slowing down and enjoying this moment.  Tomorrow will come.  Whether we enjoy it, and truly live it, is up to us.

My school work deserves nothing of me, but I deserve the best of it. To get the most out of it, to learn, to experience, and to grow  I must focus on it, be in that moment and take it with me. I cant do that if its merely a blur in a moment of my life while I am trying to attain something bigger, and beyond what this moment is.

I am able to sit still, to not move my body. To move beyond pain, itches, discomfort. I can focus. I can sleep. I can fall asleep and sleep good without pills, or read till I am cross-eyed. I can lie down in bed, focus on not moving, and sleep–really, really sleep. Getting a good night’s sleep allows me to focus more, to be in a better mood, and be okay with facing whatever today brings.

I haven’t seen any of this as monumental change. It’s a gradual experience, but this is the beginning. I don’t see all of this everyday, glimpses of it happen throughout the days, and when I take note of it, I try to figure out what I want to keep and what I should part with in my life. Meditation I will keep.

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