Why is this question so hard for me? There has to be dozens of things in my life that I do not enjoy. Why won’t they come to mind. I am sitting down to write this, and all I get is nothing, blankness, an empty page. So what do I really avoid in life? Is it mundane tasks that I dislike, or is it more the act of thinking about things that create stress in me? So perhaps it is this blog, or rather, this topic that I actually want to avoid. The task of discovering what I dislike, or fear or whatever, is what bothers me at the heart of it. It makes me think of weakness and doubt. Two things that I do not allow in myself. Or when they do creep up, I hide them somewhere that I will not have to touch them. They feel ugly, foreign, and even repulsive.
While writing this I realize how much of myself I actually doubt. And that doubt is centered in fear. I see it in the raw centers of my hidden issues. Reflected like a pool of tepid black water. I am afraid at times that I am not good enough, or that I will not succeed in life. I am afraid that I will not amount to the person I want to be. I am really terrified that the degree I am going for will not allow me enough opportunities in life, and I will never get published. That is a HUGE fear. But more than that, I am afraid that it will be my fault.
I do not want to ever be at fault. Because when it gets down to the core of these things, what I most fear is shame. I can handle fear all by itself. It seems like a monster in a dream that might be huge and terrifying, but it is still vanquishable. But shame… that is different. With shame I am the monster. Me. How do I vanquish myself?