As I came out of the meditation and now as I have contemplated writing this, I feel dread. My stomach knots up. The flow of my mind being set upon the task of getting my bills and setting up a budget, argh I hate it. Responsibility is not always the finest thing for me to deal with. I have A.D.D. but that is not an excuse. Is is a fact of life for me and chronic illnesses are just part of who I am. So I employed a friend/my daughter to help get this task done. The source of dread and not wanting to get the task done? this is analytically crazy but yet easy. I just don’t like paperwork. I don’t like forcing the deeper fact that our financial situation is so dire. We make less than we have to pay the bills. My illness limits my work days. My wages are being triple garnished for student loans and other bills. So when I am ill, I make less money. so of course then there is the cost of health insurance which takes a third of my check. So the task at is dreaded because I have to face the dire financial situation and I hate doing paperwork.
So yet I dig deeper to see where it will go. The distraction here is less obvious than at home. I try to think of ways to make money. I have a small business, and am trying to start another one. I want to do Farmer’s Market this summer and sell beads so I am doing things to make this happen but this is beyond the task at hand. The deep depression I have suffered. I think I associate this the task at hand. I think I am afraid, that if I force the task; the depression will come. I squirm in my seat. I worry all the time will I lose my home will I get yet another financial downfall? Will the shoe or the other shoe drop? But yet I start by having the papers organized, I know that if I face the task, I will be relieved. So like I do with facing all of my black holes… one step at a time. One tiny step at a time, if necessary. I will “pole” my online support system. They always help. It’s weird. They are faceless words of advice until I get to know them. Then friends. People I relate to. When I lose focus or get upset someone is there. And so the task has begun.
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