Paralyzed


     Lately I’ve had a great deal of stress just thrown at me all at once. My life has been one horrible event or discovery after the next. Betrayal, disappointment, and abandonment.  On top of all of this I’ve been busy with 15 credits and my first play (and it was Shakespeare). So the question what I don’t want to do isn’t the question that should be asked. What should be asked is what do I want to do, which is nothing. I want to push pause on my life and have time to deal with everything. It’s hard enough to be a full-time (and then some) college student, work, be in a play, and be in a performance class(collegiates). All I can do is stop for a half an hour a day and breath. Sit back and remember that nothing is permanent. Meditation helps, but occasionally my mind wanders uncontrollably down a dark path that I try so hard to escape. I know it would help, but I’m absolutely terrified of stewing in my stress and betrayal.  I feel paralyzed and panicked because I feel like there isnothing I can do. Whenever I try to work on things for school I collapse in stress and in the fear of knowing my imminent failure. I spread myself too thin, but also personal matters have added to the stress ten fold. I haven’t had room to be sad or angry. I haven’t had time to deal with anything because when I do, all I can think about is all the work I have to do. It’s a vicious circle that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape.

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