The need to be alone


The feeling creeps up over a range of a few days.  I think about how my life has changed since minful living class.  Its a kind of feeling that I cannot put a description.  Perhaps it happens when things have been especially stressful.  In this case it was a bad day with a migraine and I slept most of the day.  I have been thinking about how menopause has been for me.  The deep depression and darkness that I felt in my life.  I had a dog that saved my life.  She was in a bad way too.  She came back from leaderdog and her big brown eyes showed a terror .  I cried when I got home.  I know that there was no way we could have 4 dogs in the house but somehow we did it.  The months that followed were spent rehabilitating Botti and dealing with my dark depression.  The only thread that kept me from nonexistence was the knowledge that she needed me.  Everything else was inconsequential.  I spent nites writing to friends on the internet asking for companionship and understanding.  As I moved through the darkest of times I went to the doctor and got on meds for the depression.  The darkness began to slip away and Botti and I moved on and got better.  In the summer following the darkness my oldest dog had a stroke and the time was spent doing therapy on her.  A darkness covered my soul again at the thought she might not recover.  I realized Botti needed me too but I couldnt give her what she needed.  I fostered Botti to a friend who could spend lots of time with her.  As Morgan recovered something shifted in my brain and I realized that I loved Botti enough to let her go and it was what was best for her.  She had finally found her home.  I am her co owner now and from time to time have her for a few days or weeks.  I think the feeling of needing to be alone started last week when she went home.  I am feeling the need to go somewhere alone and meditate and listen to the waves.  Feel the sand on my feet.  Think….   I am seeing the change in myself.  I used to need to go and gamble and spend time at the casino.  So..I will spend some time alone on my day off or perhaps in the evening after work.  When I can find silence…Meditation has become a big part of my life now.

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